I like this a lot, too, the vibe and the atmosphere is pretty neat. But man, your spelling (or typing) sucks bad.
If you polished up your grammar and spelling, you could probably sell a small collection of these (like, 5 to a book?). Of course, you could also recruit an editor. I'll do it for a free copy of whatever the final product is. !
Thanks all, and you're right beermotor..I didnt edit that as I should have apologies- (time , kids over the shoulder, etc)
I was contacted about including "The Visitants" an upcoming 3PP book, so I have pulled it by request. Hopefully you'll see it somewhere soon, properly edited. I do have two more of these "one room, one shots" in the planning stages.