After the Crawl: The Interview
"Hello Sports Fans, and welcome to another addition of ‘Empire Sports One’s Look Out Here They Come’. The Empire’s premier spotlight on those who have defied the odds with style, and are quickly becoming known as the Empire’s best and brightest in the Extreme Dungeon Crawl League.
With me in the studio today is ‘Pyro,’ Team captain for ‘Spiritual Arcana,’ and self-described pyromancer. After the utter destruction of the Division 4 Finals Charlotte Crawl, then their Stunning Victory where they tied for first place their first time out in the Division 3 Rocky City Crawl, Team Spiritual Arcana have really made a name for themselves as up and comers in Division 3. Pyro, welcome to the show.”
“Thank you for having me.”
“I am also joined by famed DJ ‘Miss Behave,’ who was thoroughly disgraced by team Spiritual Arcana at the Charlotte Crawl, who took minimal, damage, and blew through the dungeon in less than half the time of any other team.”
Miss Behave looks at the camera with disgust and replies through gritted teeth, “thank you.”
“Let’s just look at some of the highlights from that first crawl, and get your reactions. First let’s start with the cannon.” Video shows the infamous cannon that was shooting a tennis ball at the players as they tried to exit the green room. Pyro had his team stay in the room and checked his watch as he waited by the door. His bat raised like a baseball player. When the cannon fired, Pyro uses his bat to launch the tennis ball at the controller of the cannon and struck him in the chest, sending him flying into a wall and crushing the poor goblin to death. “Pyro, what was going through your mind when you saw the tennis ball flatten against the concrete wall?”
“First was Oh Crap. I had seen these before. I knew they could kill an entire party if the party didn’t do anything to stop them. Unfortunately, the military scrapped the idea long ago because it was cost prohibitive, and could only take out one soldier at a time, so to get some of their losses back, MagnetoCorp decided to sell their remaining stock to Dungeon Judges. It was really a coup for Miss Behave to actually be the first DJ to use one in an event. My hat’s off to you for that, very well played.”
You see Miss Behave smile for the first time during the interview.
“Second was I had to get the guy firing this weapon, Third, I needed to know how long the recharge on this weapon was. I decided to use a baseball move and beam the pitcher with his own ball. I am still in shock that it actually worked! When they kept on firing at us, I knew something had to be done, so I tried to cover the Cleric when he was targeted. Evidently they were afraid that I would reflect the shot back against them, and they moved the turret at the last second, missing wildly, so I used grease on the firing compartment, and they slid out the back of the cannon, then pushed themselves through the ‘No Go’ door.”
“Miss Behave, what was going through your mind when you saw that?”
“I was just in shock that those stupid goblins couldn’t hit him. He was a standing target, and they missed him! Not only that, but he took out the best one of them that quick.” She says snapping her fingers for emphasis, “then the goblins lost their nerve and totally missed again before they were so intimidated by the fact that a fighter with a bat used a spell on them.”
“Yes, that was something else, wasn’t it? Now let’s move on to the next big item. The big golem and the switches.” The video shows a giant golem with a switch behind it. Pyro casts Mage hand and holds the switch down until the Golem shuts down. The expert in the party finds another switch just out of his reach. Pyro picks up a bench in the room, and uses it like a ladder against a wall so he can get line of sight on the switch. While a burly fighter holds the makeshift ladder stationary, Pyro then uses the mage hand to press the switch. The door to the next room opens. “That was ingenious Pyro.”
Pyro blushes slightly, then replies, “Thank you.”
“Yes it was,” interrupts Miss Behave, “I never thought of something so simple.”
“That just goes to prove the old Centurion Mantra, ‘if it is a stupid idea, and it works, it is not a stupid idea’.”
“And you were sure full of stupid ideas that worked, weren’t you Pyro,” asked the newscaster.
Pyro blushes really badly, “yes ma’am.”
“What about these Orcs. What is the story with them?”
“We were told that they were expecting us to go through the door, but they gave us an alternate way around too. I decided it would be best to split our forces, and attack from two directions at once. I saw that there were 3 Orcs guarding 3 cages, and that each cage had a cheerleader. I knew we had to strike hard and fast, and make sure that the cheerleaders were totally unharmed in the process. Another Military Mantra that came to mind is, ‘friendly fire isn’t friendly.’ So I hit the Orcs with a grease spell each, and myself and the expert threw torches on them. It worked to great effect, and we cleared the room before the rest of the party could join us. Part of the treasure was a wand of Magic Missiles, and that wand turned out to be the savior of our party.”
“I never should have given you that stupid wand,” Miss Behave says with a way that you know she is disgusted with herself.
“Well, we eventually came across this totally ingenious trap that was buried in a wall. There were really only two ways around it. First was to dig into the wall and get at the mechanism, or we could set off the trap, and then go through once the danger was over. Since I didn’t know how the referees would react to us digging into the wall to get at the trap, I decided to get everyone as far back from the trap as possible, then use the wand of Magic Missile to set off the trap. It just made sense to me. The missile is totally accurate, and we minimize the risk of injuring the party. I just didn’t know that the trap was so volatile.”
“Why didn’t I think of that myself,” Miss Behave asks.
“Don’t beat yourself up over that, I really thought that was why you gave me the wand of Magic Missiles. To make sure we had a way through the trap,” Pyro said with sincerity in his eyes.
“Sounds ingenious to me, so what happened next,” the newscaster inquired.
“We got through the trap and into the next room. We found a large pit, and two doors, one at the bottom of the pit, and one across from the pit. Since there was no roof, I thought I could use the wall and my grappling hook to swing across. We must have been a bit early because someone used a pole to dislodge the grappling hook, then the roof was lowered onto the walls. Our expert threw something small down into the pit. When nothing happened, I threw down my winter blanket.”
“Why would you carry a winter blanket in a dungeon? It’s not like you are going to sleep down there,” the newscaster piped in.
“Winter blankets are useful for more than just sleeping. You can drag around a heavy object, or use it as a way to catch party members, or even put out someone on fire. It really is very useful. Anyways, there must have been some kind of trigger that only activated when something larger dropped down, because all of a sudden the door on the lower level opened up, and a rust monster started walking through. I fired off a ray of enfeeblement, and it dropped. When the second one started moving towards us, I did it again, figuring that what worked on one would work on the other, and it dropped too. I looked to where I thought the referees would be watching from, and asked them to get the rust monsters out of the way. They were nice enough to oblige. From there, it was just getting us down, across the pit, and back up again. I was really surprised that it actually worked. I had no clue that it was so useful. It has actually become a new staple in my retinue of spells.”
“Great, just what we need, a spellcaster that knows how to use his spells to greater effect,” mumbled Miss Behave.
“With all due respect Miss Behave, we all go into combat with a plan,” says Pyro, “That plan falls apart as soon as combat starts. Not only that, but if everything is going according to plan, it is most definitely a trap.”
“Is that more of your Centurion Wisdom Pyro,” asks the newscaster.
Pyro blushes again. “yes ma’am. I’m sorry. Being newly promoted from a Lieutenant to a PFC, I forget my role sometimes.”
“I thought that a Lieutenant outranks a Private First Class,” both females chimed in at once.
Pyro beams proudly, “I am a Proud Fricking Civilian.”
Both females groan at the joke.
“Pyro,” interrupts the newscaster, “what is next for Spiritual Arcana?”
“Well, we fired our last coach, and we hope to have a replacement before too long. We are looking forward to a great number of dungeons, and as always, we love the fans. If it wasn’t for the fans, there wouldn’t be any adventures for us.”
“DJ Miss Behave, what is next for you,” asked the newscaster.
“Well,” she stumbled a bit for the words, “I am going back to DJ the boffer leagues. I was just too badly beaten by Spiritual Arcana, and I need to learn some new tricks to deal with players like those in Spiritual Arcana.”
“Really you have nothing more to learn,” Pyro blurted out, “You did a great job making your dungeon. There are very few players there that use their full potential in crawls, so few DJ’s have to worry about it that much. The simple fact is we saw problems, and we found ways to overcome those obstacles using every bit of knowledge we have. You have nothing to be ashamed of at all, I assure you.”
DJ Miss Behave actually warms up a bit, “You think so?”
“I know so,” came a very determined answer, “all anyone has to do is look very closely at the traps and automations you used, and they will see that you did everything correctly. I’m sure that this crawl was, with slightly better monsters, at least a Division 3 Crawl. You really did an excellent job, and have nothing to be ashamed about. If anything, I am amazed that I was so challenged by you, and your creativity in putting this crawl together. You really did an awesome job. I would be honored to shake your hand.” Pyro extends his hand with a smile.
DJ Miss Behave slowly extends her hand, and shakes Pyro’s hand.
“Well that’s all we have time for tonight Sports Fans. Good Night, and may Apollo Bless you.” The newscaster finishes her segment, and the lights go out. She finally loses her smile, and quickly rushes off exclaiming, “I need a cigarette.”
Pyro, still holding DJ Miss Behaves hand asks, “Would you like to have dinner sometime?”
“Would you like to have dinner sometime?”
“Well, I don’t think we should, after all I am a DJ, and you are a Crawler.”
“Yes, but the Guild rules state that we can date as long as we are in different divisions.”
“True.” DJ Miss Behave ponders this for a bit.
“And I am in a new Division, stepping up, and you went down a Division, so there shouldn’t be a conflict of interest.”
“You do have a point, so what exactly were you thinking?
“Well I do know this place in Arizona.”
“Yeah, it’s a Mexican Food restaurant and Irish bar all in one.”
“Sounds intriguing, but do you know anything that is more local? That is kind of a ways away don’t you think?”
“Well, there is this Alfar place I heard about.”
“No thanks, I’d rather not go and eat something that will try to eat me first.”
“Okay, how about Chineese?”
“Now you are talking my language.”
They walk out of the building together, and are holding hands as they reach their cars. “Why don’t we take your car,” suggests Pyro.
DJ Miss Behave declines, wanting to ride in Pyro’s convertible.
The car drives off into the sunset, and you see a different newscaster smiling, “Could we have just seen a love connection? Only time will. News at eleven,” a different newscaster says with a big grin. When he is clear he smiles to his cameraman and says, “Isn’t she going to be pissed when I scoop her with her own interview.” He then chuckles with the cameraman.
“What’s so funny guys,” she asks after finishing her cigarette.
“You’ll find out tonight!” Both the cameraman and the second news anchor chuckle to themsleves.